One of the worst things I’ve ever done—probably in the top 3—occurred right after Christmas of 2004. I was twenty-six-years-old, had been married for four years, and I was halfway through my Master of Divinity coursework at Austin Seminary in Austin, Texas. My dad had worked it out where Danielle and I, as well as my sister, Angel, and her kids who live out in California would spend Christmas in Summerville, South Carolina at my dad and stepmom’s house along with my other sister, stepsiblings, nieces and nephews. The whole family was coming together for the first time in a decade. Sounds wonderful, right? Well, it was about as wonderful as throwing a snake, a mongoose, a honey badger, and a Tasmanian devil in a room together and saying to them, “Merry Christmas!” It was a disaster that could have been predicted by anyone (and probably was), except for those of us who actually wanted to enjoy being together for a change. It was bad in a Brady Bunch meets Hatfield & McCoys sort of way. The visit culminated in me exploding in anger and screaming as loud as I possibly could using words that probably would have made Woody Hayes say, “That’s a little harsh, don’t you think?” Decades of anger, frustration, and disdain poured out of my heart, through my mouth, and flooded over my stepmom like a bursting dam. Then Danielle and I packed my car and drove to my oldest sister’s house. There were yellow “unsportsmanlike conduct” penalty flags thrown all over the field that day.
I should have known better. I was a grown man training to become a pastor. To make it worse, neither of my sisters want anything to do with the Church or any sort of Christian faith and the witness that I’d shown them in our first time together in years was to scream and tear our stepmom down. My sisters started calling me “The Cussin’ Preacher” after that. They thought it was kind of funny. I felt like an absolute failure as a Christian, an overall terrible person, and I even started to wonder whether or not I was cut out for the ministry. My stepmom and I had never gotten along, but nobody deserved what I dished out that day. After we got to my sister’s house, Danielle went in and I stayed in the car by myself with my head down on the steering wheel. I was so ashamed I couldn’t even ask God for forgiveness and I didn’t want to face my little niece and nephew who had seen it all happen. I can handle it when someone does me wrong, but I have a very tough time handling it when I do wrong to someone else. Alone in that cold car, with my face hidden in the sleeves of my sweatshirt to hide the emotion on my face, I was at the lowest point in my entire life.
I did eventually get out of the car and about three years went by with minimal communication with my dad and absolutely no communication with my stepmom. I had never apologized, and it continued to gnaw at me from the inside. I felt like a terrible hypocrite up there preaching the gospel when I had not allowed it to change me enough to make things right. Then one Sunday morning when I was standing at the communion table presiding over the Lord’s Supper it hit me, right in the middle of the liturgy. In that sacred moment the Holy Spirit found a little seam somewhere in my heart where God could get in and it struck me like a bolt of lightning. “She is your sister in Christ,” was spoken into my heart and it floored me. I’d never thought about that. My stepmom wasn’t just my stepmom; she was a fellow disciple of Jesus. It wasn’t right for me to treat my stepmom like that, but much worse even than that was that I had treated my sister in the covenant family of the Church like that. Remember Jesus’ words, “I say to you that if you are angry with a brother or sister, you will be liable to judgment; and if you insult a brother or sister, you will be liable to the council; and if you say, ‘You fool,’ you will be liable to the hell of fire.” Pretty much whenever we read “brother” or “sister” in the New Testament it means a fellow disciple of Jesus. Jesus was VERY concerned about how his followers treat one another. After all, how can we treat other people right if we cannot even treat each other well as fellow believers? When I stood at that communion table that morning what hit me hardest were Jesus’ words in the next verse. He says, “So when you are offering your gift at the altar (referring to the Jerusalem Temple), if you remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go; first be reconciled to your brother or sister, and then come and offer your gift.” God doesn't even want our offerings if we are not willing to offer reconciliation to one another.
Well, I couldn’t just stop in the middle of the Lord’s Supper. After all it wasn’t the congregation’s problem to deal with; it was mine. But that afternoon I nervously dialed the phone and spoke that difficult phrase into life: “I’m sorry.” That was in about 2007 or so when I made that phone call. This past June my stepmom and my dad drove the eleven hours from South Carolina and pulled up to the manse to see a huge sign that the kids and I had made saying “Welcome Grandma and Grandpa!” We had a great time together, joking together, hugging each other, and my kids absolutely loved both their grandpa and their grandma. That whole week I gave thanks to God for the reconciliation that had taken place those years earlier that made that visit possible. Their visit to us redeemed our visit to them eight years earlier.
For that redemption and reconciliation to occur between my stepmom and I there were two things that were required: HUMILITY and FORGIVENESS. I had to humble myself to the point of apology, but it was God that did a great work in my heart to help me do that. I couldn’t do it on my own. I also had to forgive my stepmom for those things over the years when I was a kid that were hurtful to me. Then in response to my phone call, my stepmom made the choice to forgive me. There can be no reconciliation, no peace of any kind, until there is humility and forgiveness. This is true in our relationships in our families, in our communities, and in our congregations. This is even true for nations. How many wars have been fought, how many people have died, because of a lack of humility and forgiveness? This is also true in our relationship with God. We have to humble ourselves before God enough to ask for God’s forgiveness. Then, ironically, God’s forgiveness humbles us even more.
Proverbs 11:2 assures us, “When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with the humble is wisdom.” Psalm 149:4 promises, “For the LORD takes pleasure in his people; he adorns the humble with salvation." Psalm 25:9 guides us with these words: “He leads the humble in what is right, and teaches the humble his way.” I could go on and on with this. Humility is a big deal in the Bible because humility is a big deal to God. The Apostle Paul writes in Ephesians 4:32, “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” We already know how big of a deal forgiveness is in the Bible and to God.
Take a few minutes to watch the music video below and then there’s something i want you all to consider. If you have peace in your heart, perhaps the next step God might be calling you to is peace in your relationships. Is there a relationship in your life that humility and forgiveness might mend? If so, might this be the day to let that happen? The least you can do is pray about it.
